GEORGE CARLINISMS

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

End of George Carlin lines..

"Prejudice is what fools use for reason" (Voltaire)

"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I got Milkbone underwear." (Norm- from "Cheers")

"I am convinced that the devastating insights achieved on marijuana are real" (Carl Sagan)

"I was given thumbs so that I might better grasp and manipulate objects, but I prefer to use them to poke out the eyes of unsuspecting imbeciles instead." (aka. Grendel)

"Technology is a race between engineers who are creating bigger and better fool-proof systems, and the Universe, who is creating bigger and better fools. So far, the Universe is winning." (Rich Cook)

"Fool-proof systems seldom take into account the ingenuity of fools." (Gene Brown)

"I've always been interested in people, but I've never really liked them." (W.C. Fields)

"The Germans are a cruel people, Baldrick. Their operas last six hours and they have no word for fluffy." (Edmund Blackadder III)

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock." (Anon)

True happiness is NEVER gained at the expense of others. (Anon)

"Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition, there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to take responsibility or correct our mistakes." (George Soros)

"I would much rather live in a world where I am surrounded by mystery, than in a world so small my mind could fully comprehend it." (H.E. Fosdick)

"One man with courage makes a majority." (Andrew Jackson)

"When you've been through everything I have, paranoia is simply being careful"

"Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him." (Romain Gary)

"No misfortune can withstand the assault of laughter." (Mark Twain)

"Wit is educated insolence." (Aristotle)

"Humor is just another defense against the Universe." (Mel Brooks)

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." (Peter Ustinov)

"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa.......not wide-eyed and screaming like the passengers in his car." (unknown)

"Rap is to music what the Etch-A-Sketch is to art." (a bumper sticker)

Anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot, but anyone who drives faster than you is an asshole! (George Carlin)

Wisdom usually consists of knowing what to do next?! (Herbert Hoover)

Virtue is it's own reward as well as it's own punishment! (Cicero)

What is right is often confused with what is convenient. (Bodie Thoene)

Reputation is character minus what you've been caught doing. (Michael Iapoce)

Only criminals, communists, dictators, and democrats fear armed citizens. (Anon)

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. (African proverb)

The only good thing about an egotist is he seldom has time to talk badly of others. (Lucille S. Harper)

Whoever does not prevent a crime when he can, encourages it. (Seneca)

The government is not the generator of economic growth, working people are. (Sen. Phil Gramm)

You have not converted someone merely because you've silenced them. (John Morely)

Anyone who's brutally honest probably enjoys the brutality most of all. (Richard J. Needham)

You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money. (P.J. O'Rourke)

No society was ever taxed into prosperity! (Rush Limbaugh)

A lot of people confuse a short memory with a clear conscience. (Doug Larson)

Liberty is about the only thing you can't have unless you are willing to give it to others. (William A. White)

The least pain in our little finger usually gives us more concern and uneasiness, than the destruction of millions of our fellow-beings. (William Hazlitt)

To do injustice is more disgraceful than to suffer it. (Plato)

The obvious is not always the truth! (William Safire)

Nobody ever forgets where they buried the hatchet (Kin Hubbard)

A man who reads nothing at all is more intelligent and respectable than a man who reads only newspapers. (Thomas Jefferson)

A few words from George Bernard Shaw..

"The worst sin towards our fellow humans is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them."

"The more a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is."

"One has no more right to consume happiness without producing it than he has to consume wealth without producing it."

"Those who can, do;those who can't, teach; those who can't do or teach, critique."

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will probably annoy enough people to make it worth your while!" (Herman Albright)

"Live your life in such a manner that if necessary, you can look any man in the eye and tell him to go to hell!" (anon)